I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
