people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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