i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
