i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
