I puked a lego.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
