If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
