well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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