I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
