he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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