she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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