Sry I called you an 8
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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