If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
