Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
