hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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