It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
