There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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