today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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