How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
