Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
