Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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