Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
