I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
