Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
