you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
