Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
