Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
