I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
