I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
