I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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