I think i peed on brittanys purse
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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