I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
