i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
