Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
