i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
