There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i have two assholes
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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