I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
