fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
