Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
