i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
