He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
