Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she pinky promised me she was 18
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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