got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
