girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
