Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
