i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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