She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
