I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
