this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
