SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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