Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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