The maid of honor just puked.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
