the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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