drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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